Thursday, October 31, 2013

Moms. . . You'll Love This Video. . .

I couldn't let the day pass without posting this wonderful little video that I stumbled on this afternoon. It's all about perspective. The good news - as we've always trumpeted here at CPYU - is that relationship is so important to parenting. Enjoy. . . .

Halloween, Death, and That Encouraging and Hopeful Cloud. . . .

For two hours tonight our street will be crawling with hundreds of zombies, ghosts, and perhaps a few skeletons. There will be other reminders of the realities of spiritual brokenness, death, and decay walking the streets as well. Sadly, some of those reminders walking our street will be little girls who have been allowed to dress for the night like street-walkers. . . but that's a whole other subject.

In many ways, the candy-infused "sweetness" of Halloween glosses over many of the reminders of the fact that things on this earth are not the way they're supposed to be. . . we get sick, we suffer, and we die.

This morning, my journey into today's entry in Scotty Smith's Everyday Prayers reminded me that in reality, today is better known as "All Saints Day." Scotty begins today's prayer by reminding us of the words of Hebrews 12:1-2. . . "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith." Scotty goes on to pray, "This is the weekend we celebrate All Saints' Day - a time for remembering our faithful brothers and sisters who have gone on before us into heaven, leaving us examples of commendable spirituality. It's also Halloween - a celebration of hideous attire, doorbell ringing, and tooth decay. I never really thought about how much these two seemingly antithetical dates have in common until now."

I'm thinking the same thing this morning, thanks to Scotty's prayer, the date on the calendar, some remembrances of folks who now inhabit that cloud, and a death that occurred last night. You see, it was 10 years ago yesterday that Mike Yaconelli, co-founder of Youth Specialties, died in a car accident. It hit many of us in the youth ministry world hard. Mike and co-founder Wayne Rice had spoken deeply into my life as I was trying to figure out how to best minister to kids. Mike and Wayne gave me and CPYU a platform from which to communicate our message. I am indebted to them both for many reasons. I've been thinking quite a bit about Mike over the last few weeks. One of the best treats was sharing dinner around a table with Duffy, Marv, Tic, and Mike's son Mark a few weeks ago. I hadn't laughed like that in awhile. . . much of the laughter prompted by remembrances of Mike and his antics. This week, I was also reminded of the sting of death when my dear friend Rich Van Pelt posted this short message on Facebook: "Missing my Mom a bunch tonight. Hard to believe that it's already two years since she was welcomed into the presence of Jesus." And then last night, my friend Duane Smith lost his wife Karin after an especially difficult and trying battle with cancer. No. . . things are not the way they're supposed to be. But thanks be to God that He made a way for there to be so much more to the story. It doesn't end there.

Today, Mike Yaconelli, Mrs. Van Pelt, and Karin Smith are part of that cloud that surrounds us. I'm thinking about the finish line. I'm thinking about how we think about the finish line. . . that it's a dark place, when actually it's a place of great joy.

On Monday I snapped this picture while standing on the rocks at the end of Bearskin Neck in Rockport, Massachusetts. For years this has been one of my handful of "happy places." I can sit there for hours at a time. Monday's sky was astounding as it stretched out over the ocean. The clouds swallowed me up in their beauty. I couldn't help but thank God for the gift of my eyesight. I take it for granted most of the time. But it struck me on Monday just how much I need to consciously appreciate the ability to look at things like this. What a gift of God those clouds were. And what it is that they represent as we read Hebrews. . . . well. . . . that's an even greater gift.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

New Infographic on Kids 8 and Under and Media Use. . .

A helpful infographic from our friends over at Common Sense Media. . .


Sounding A Warning On Kids And Screen Time. . . .

There were four of us at our table, and four at the table next to us. It was a beautiful waterfront restaurant that was the perfect setting for good conversation. . . and we had it! But the young family of four sitting next to us had made choices that were keeping them out of the conversation loop. In Sherry Turkle's words, they were "alone together."

There they were. . . almost knee to knee around the small round table. But each member of the family was "absent" from the other as they all focused their attention on separate screens. For mom, dad, and the the oldest daughter (maybe 8 or 9?), it was their smart phones. For the youngest daughter (all of 3 or 4-years-old), it was a tablet propped up on its pink cover just inches from her face at eye level. A large set of pink headphones covered her ears for the duration of the meal as she focused her eyes on the animated movie playing on the screen. She ate her food in a trance-like state. In the immediacy of the moment, those screens were keeping them far, far apart from each other. Who knows what the long-term effects might be.

This scenario is playing out more and more in our culture as technology advances and we find ourselves purchasing and living with more and more tools. It's been about 50 years since Marshall McCluhan said that "we shape our tools and afterwards our tools shape us." There's shaping going on right under our noses. . . literally. . . and for the most part, we aren't at all aware that it's happening. Nor do we know what it's doing to us and our kids. Only time will tell. And when time does tell, we'll most likely be starting our laments with these words. . . "If I had only known. . . ."

Yesterday, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued this release regarding children and screen time: "Managing Media: We Need A Plan." This follows up a very direct and stern warning regarding the need to not just limit, but keep all children under the age of two away from any and all media screens in an effort to promote healthy development in all spheres of life. It's also a good idea that parents who are holding, playing with, or interacting with their kids should keep away from the screens as well.

We live in a media-saturated world. Consider these facts from yesterday's press release: Excessive media use has been associated with obesity, lack of sleep, school problems, aggression and other behavior issues. A recent study shows that the average 8- to 10-year-old spends nearly 8 hours a day with different media, and older children and teens spend more than 11 hours per day. Kids who have a TV in their bedroom spend more time with media. About 75 percent of 12- to 17-year-olds own cell phones, and nearly all teenagers use text messaging. 

Ironically, I heard about yesterday's report from the AAP hours after listening to a news report about how Disney - those masters of marketing to kids (and parents) - is leveraging our willingness to put our kids in front of screens and screens in our kids hands almost 24/7 by releasing the first nine episodes of their new animated series for pre-schoolers, "Sheriff Callie's Wild West," exclusively on a tablet app. It's a brilliant move. But is it a safe move?

This is one of those times where parents need to step out of the fast-moving flow that "everyone else" is "doing" to pause, take a deep breath, think, and then make a wise decision that's nothing less than counter-cultural.

That point was driven home a bit more last night as I listened to an NPR interview with some mothers of toddlers who were bragging up the smarts of their twelve and eighteen-month-old little children who could manipulate touch screens better than they could walk.

To learn more about electronic addiction, check out our Free pdf download: "A Parents' Primer On Electronic Addiction."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

My Hopes, Homosexuality, and God's Word. . . .

This morning I ran across and posted this thought-provoking quote from J.I. Packer: "Our business is to present the Christian faith clothed in modern terms, not to propagate modern thought clothed in Christian terms. . . . Confusion here is fatal."

I'm sure that all of us are guilty here on something. It's just that most of us don't know it. . . which is, by the way, the reason we should engage in ongoing, never-ending, deep introspection of every nook and cranny of our lives. . . all conducted under the illumination of God's Word.

I was hit by this reality again the other night while spending more time in James K.A. Smith's Everyday Discipleship, the chapter entitled "Can Hope Be Wrong?" in particular. Smith offers up his critique of the "New Universalism" . . . the kind of universalism propagated by Rob Bell in his book Love Wins. This new brand of universalism is what Smith calls a "christocentric" or "evangelical" universalism. In other words, all human beings will be saved in Christ. Smith says that what drives this increasingly popular belief is not a close reading of the Bible's claims about eternity, but an understanding of the nature of God that leaves people saying things like "I can't imagine a God who would send a person to hell" and "I hope that God doesn't send people to hell."

Smith goes on to ask this question: "Are these hopes and imaginings sufficiently warranted to overturn the received, orthodox doctrines concerning final judgment and eternal damnation?" Then, he critiques each. When he critiques the hermeneutic of hope, he wonders if our hopes can ever be wrong. His example is personal. He loves his wife and he can't even begin to imagine a life without being husband and wife forever. But then he reads the words of Jesus in Matthew 22:30. . . words that clearly say that at the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage. Now, the dilemma for Smith when he asks, "Should I nonetheless hope that marriage endures in eternity? Should I profess that I can't know this (since Scripture seems to suggest otherwise), but nonetheless claim that somehow hoping it might be true is still faithful? Or should I submit even my hopes to discipline by the authority of Scripture?"

Wow. Read that last question again. Those are powerful and timely words that apply to so much more than who gets to go to Heaven and whether or not we will be married in eternity. Smith reminds us that when "what I hope for" eclipses a more theocentric approach to these and other issues, we are in trouble. And that's what I think J.I. Packer is driving at as well.

While I was reading all of this, I rewound to the evening about thirty-five years ago when one of my best friends sat me down to tell me that he was gay and that he was embracing his homosexuality. When he asked me for my response, a battle began to rage inside of me. I wanted more than anything else to tell him that there was nothing at all wrong with his decision, his leanings, and his embracing this kind of sexuality. I wanted to love, affirm, and accept my friend. I hoped that his same-sex behaviors wouldn't matter. But on the other side was my need to submit my hopes (some, which if I'm honest, still hold true today on a whole plethora of issues) to someone bigger than myself. And so the battle continues between my hopes. . . driven by my belief that I might just have all of this (and everything else) figured out better than the One whose will and way I must submit myself and my hopes to. . . and my need to have those hopes disciplined.


Monday, October 21, 2013

Stained With God. . . .

I've been revisiting the past a bit with a CD I picked up in San Diego at the National Youthworkers Convention a couple of weeks ago. It's the greatest hits album from DC Talk. I was listening on Saturday while driving back from New York when the track "What If I Stumble?" came on. Those of you who are familiar with the song no doubt know that there's a little spoken-word bit at the start. It's a couple of sentences from Brennan Manning where he says, "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Those words have always haunted me a bit. . . not so much about the church. .  . but about me. I think of them often and it was challenging to hear them spoken in Manning's voice again.

The Scriptures are clear that our faith is to be integrated into all of life. . . every square inch. . . every nook and cranny. Our faith is not a convenient add-on.

Later on Saturday night, I continued my trek through James K.A. Smith's thoughtful little collection of essays, Discipleship in the Present Tense: Reflections on Faith and Culture. In one essay, Smith offers a review of Julian Barnes' memoir, Nothing to Be Frightened Of. The book's opening line. . . "I don't believe in God, but I miss Him" . . . captures a bit of the essence of Barnes' agnosticism.

Smith goes on to quote Barnes and his thoughts on the Christian faith in a way that connects directly with Manning's critique of our meaningless version of the faith: "There seems little point in a religion which is merely a weekly social event as opposed to one which tells you exactly how to live, with colours and stains everything. . . What's the point of faith unless you and it are serious - seriously serious - unless your religion fills, directs, stains, and sustains your life?"

"Stained with God." That's an interesting and timely metaphor for the kind of integrated faith that finds its way into every single cell of our existence. That's the kind of faith we need to pursue.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Youth Culture in the Comics. . . Another Good One. . .

Earlier this week I blogged on using comics in your ministry . . . as windows into the realities of today's youth culture and as thought-provoking discussion starters for kids and and their parents. Today, I simply want to pass on this morning's edition of one of my favorites comic strips, "Zits." Yep, great name for a comic about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's is a good one. And, yes. . . I know. . . his nerdy, out-of-touch dad and I share a first name. Oh well. . .


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Sad Suicide of Rebecca Sedwick: Sticks, Stones, and Words Do Hurt. . . .

Bully and bullied. . . it hurts me to think that both of those words are accurate descriptors of my young self. I have memories of the former that still sting, especially when I see or hear of a kid getting picked on. I'm ashamed of my role as the latter, a role that I started to play a little later on in my childhood as a kind of compensatory strategy and in a desperate effort to fit in. . . especially when size was suddenly on my side. All that to say, I have an inkling of experience in what it means to be both perpetrator and victim. All of it is ugly.

I got to thinking about this as I was laying in bed last night pondering the breaking news story about 12-year-old Florida girl, Rebecca Sedwick. She's the latest victim in a growing volume of high-profile news stories about kids who get hammered by 24/7 bullying thanks to our always-present and attention-grabbing technology. Sedwick jumped off a building to her death last month after being terrorized and bullied by loads of her female peers. Now, authorities have filed felony charges against two of those girls, ages 12 and 14, for ongoing online harassment of Sedwick.

The difference between Sedwick's story and my own is significant in the fact that 1) I had a place of refuge at home that fostered resilience when I was bullied, and 2) that I was held accountable at home if it was ever discovered that I had crossed the line and became the bully. The words of Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd in the video embedded below are words that really didn't have to be uttered in a world where parental diligence was the norm.

Speaking of words, I think we can do away with the old saying that was supposed to carry kids through difficult times: "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me." I'm not sure that this little phrase was ever accurate. I remember that words hurt. . . more than sticks and stones (which we did throw around from time to time in my old neighborhood!). Words hurt badly. You could sleep through a little bruise. Words would keep you awake. We need to watch our words, and theirs.

If anything remotely good can come out of the Rebecca Sedwick story it will be conversations with our kids about this stuff. We've been working hard at CPYU to create tools and conversation starters to help you deal with cyber-bullying. We've got some helpful free pdf downloads of some handouts on our Digital Kids Initiative site, including A Parents' Guide To Cyberbullying and a brand new Trend Alert on Ask.fm, a social media site that's become an online playground for teens who want to bully and beat up on others.

Today, let's ponder - with our kids - the words of Ephesians 4:29: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Using Comics In Your Ministry. . . .

Over the years I've been building some files that I dig into from time to time as a ministry resource. The files are filled with comic strips from our daily newspaper. I've found that comics have a way of lowering our defenses and getting us to see, consider, and talk about things that need to be seen, considered, and talked about. In a way, comic strips serve as a type of social commentary that can spark Gospel-centered discussions on some of the more timely and even tender issues related to children, teens and life in today's world.

I encourage parents and youth pastors to read the comics on a daily basis. One reason is that the comics can get us thinking about the things we need to think about. . . especially that stuff that's become so familiar that we don't even notice it anymore. . . stuff that we might let slip through the cracks. A second reason is that a comic can spark a discussion of a sensitive topic with parents (if you're a youth worker who is trying to educate parents on youth culture) or with a teenager.

Yesterday, I spotted this "Speed Bump" comic that serves as a great example of what I'm talking about here. This is certainly one that tells us how much our world has changed, while offering a spark for discussions about those changes.



What comic strips have you found to be helpful and have you used?

Monday, October 14, 2013

If I Was Always Happy, I Wouldn't Need Jesus. . . .

Here's a little secret that I haven't told many people. . . it involves a conversation with a counselor several years ago. At the time, I was dealing with some burn-out issues and what was labeled as "borderline depression." It was time for me to invite someone outside of myself and my close circle of family and friends in to the issues to help me sort them out. For the record, I've battled both of those demons on and off since then.

The little secret is what I told the counselor as I worked to explain what was happening in my life. "If I ever write my memoir, the first chapter will be titled '1956-1999.' And, the chapter will only be six words long: 'I've had a relatively easy life.'" I went on to explain that while I was dealing with the self-realization of spiritual stagnation back in 1999, I prayed this prayer: "Lord, increase my dependence on you." I wanted to grow. I've since learned that God will answer that prayer. And, his gift - yes gift - is oftentimes all kinds of pain and suffering.

While I'll spare you the description of the ongoing fountain of "blessings" that God has sent my way, one thing is constant and sure: it's the dark places, the wilderness, and the valleys where God meets us and takes us deep into our understanding and experience of who we are, who he is, and our dependence on him. I've realized that the pain and suffering we so desperately want to avoid is exactly just what we need. It's when we can do nothing but drop our arms at our side and cry out to God, "Ok God! I've got nothing here," that we realize our need for and dependence on Jesus.

I was thinking about that this morning when I opened my email and saw the latest post from my friend Byron Borger on his Hearts & Minds Bookstore blog. I love Byron. I love his love for books, and reading, and learning. It is absolutely contagious. I love his Hearts & Mind Bookstore. Not only is his store a hidden gem, but his Booknotes blog serves so many of us as a gateway to good reading and to spiritual growth. Today's post was a good one - "5 New Books on Pain and Suffering." It was so good, that I want to share it with you. . .

5 New Books on Pain and Suffering - from theologian Tim Keller to peacemaker Jeremy Courtney to "The Dave Test."

I was unloading, as I sometimes do, about the hard stuff in my life, grief and a general dismay at the state of the world, with my friend Brian Walsh. His campus ministry faith community and the writings that come out of it (Wine Before Breakfast and Remixing the Empire) have a keen sensibility about the brokenness of this world and often hold a posture of lament in solidarity with those who suffer. I don't know anybody who has taken Walter Brueggemann's The Prophetic Imagination and its call to weep subversive tears so seriously. This comes through in Brian's co-authored books such as Truth Is Stranger Than It Used to Be and Beyond Homelessness and clearly in his wonderful study of the Canadian poet/rock star Bruce Cockburn, Kicking at the Darkness: Bruce Cockburn and the Christian Imagination. In that book, Walsh shows us some harsh material that Cockburn sings about. But he reminds us that Cockburn sings that "Joy Will Find a Way." We can believe the singer because he understands the hard stuff "out on the rim of the broken wheel."

Anyway, Brian replied to me citing a song I love, from one of Cockburn's fellow musicians and producers, Colin Linden, who sings that it is a "sad, sad, sad, beautiful world."

"Three sads and one beautiful," Brian wrote.

Yep, for most of us, this is so, or nearly so.

When I was first becoming a Presbyterian, and learning about Calvinism and amazing grace, many in my circles talked about our sinfulness (rightly so; without an awareness of our great need, what good is the gospel of Christ?) But even then, I protested: in a sinful world, people are not just sinners, they are, inevitably, sinned against. As Cornelius Plantinga puts it, in the best book on this topic of sin, we have "vandalized shalom" and things are Not The Way It's Supposed to Be. In a good world now frayed, we are wrong, rebels, but we are wronged, too. We hurt (and I mean that in both meanings.) So, yes, our doctrine of sin leads us to give an account of the various ways things are haywire. Sometimes pain and sorrow is of our own doing, sometimes it is just because of the way of the world. Who knows why there are tsunamis and terrorists and cancers and car-wrecks? Why do we shed tears at this, but maybe not at that? I tend not to think about it much, really, but carry the weight of it with me always. Don't you?

I can hardly wait -- speaking of such things -- to tell you that my dear friend Steve Garber has a new book coming in the winter; I will surely tell you more sometime in the New Year. In some ways it is a sequel to Fabric of Faithfulness, and, among other things, it asks a question something like this: "Can we really know the world, and still love it?" That is, knowing the sad, sad, sad world, can we still say (as Colin Linden sings) that it is beautiful? Can we take up vocations with Christ-like care, knowing what we know, carrying what we carry? I don't recall that Steve cites him, but in his own words and way, he invites us to live into the vocation to which Henri Nouwen calls us, to be "wounded healers." To care deeply over the long haul of our lives we must learn to love what God loves, even as God does, especially as we come to know more and more that the world is terribly broken.

It's a sad, sad, sad, beautiful world. And joy will find a way.

So, here are five brand new books that take up this matter, each in their own genre and style. Continue reading here. . .and there's a nice discount offer at the end! 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Urban Outfitters, The Shirt, and Ideas That Matter. . .

The retailer known as Urban Outfitters doesn't have a store near our home in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, but they've been in the news lately as they are getting ready to build a brand new and very large distribution center in nearby Gap, PA. I've followed the news a bit as local folks have been excited about the project for the reason that it will provide tax revenue and create jobs. I think it would be fair to say that local support has been driven by economic factors. Because of economics, Urban Outfitters' arrival is being seen as a "good" thing for our community.

When the news first broke several weeks ago, my mind went immediately to what I know about Urban Outfitters as a culture. . . the store, the stock, and the ideas promoted through products that include much more than garments.

I first set foot in an Urban Outfitters store several years ago. On an out-of-state trip, I remember looking through the store's window on a crowded Friday night and then walking in. It oozed the "cool factor" with all kinds of little knick-knacks, books, and even some gags that I thought were pretty creative and funny. I was drawn by the retro feel. The place was packed and most of the clientele was young. . . middle school, high school, and college-age kids. It was a unique retail experience. . . so much so that I told my wife about the place when I got home.

Last year I went into the Urban Outfitters store at Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We were down there with our CPYU staff. While my wife was drawn to some inexpensive sweaters upstairs, I hung out downstairs with all the other stuff. The more I dug around, the more discouraged I became. It was an ethnographic exercise of sorts for me that would reveal to even the most objective of observers that our culture really has no boundaries or standards when it comes to sexuality and substance abuse. In particular, many of the books made assumptions about what both customers were looking for and what customers should believe. . . along with how those beliefs should inform behavior (For example,  The Little Green Book of Weed and The Position of the Day Playbook: Sex Everyday In Every Way).

You see, ideas do matter. And what Urban Outfitter's inventory sells are ideas that inform both belief and behavior, especially for the impressionable young consumers who make up their market segment. In effect, Urban Outfitters not only sells garments, but they sell a worldview.

Last weekend, I was in San Diego for the National Youth Workers Convention. I took a walk over to the crowded Fashion Valley shopping mall. It's a trendy place that's always buzzing. When I spotted the Urban Outfitters store I decided to wander over. I had just read a story trumpeting the positive local response to the economic impact of the distribution center in the online version of our Lancaster newspaper. . . so, Urban Outfitters was fresh on my mind. I was drawn into the store both by the colorful portable record players in the window and curiosity about the kinds of ideas that Urban Outfitters is peddling these days.

When I glanced through the window past the shelf full of those snappy little record players, I spotted a shirt that represents much of what Urban Outfitters and other retailers distribute to young consumers these days. . . consumers who they think want and need this stuff. I went in and shot a picture of the shirt and have posted it here. The shirt was hanging in two places right there in the center of the store, making it visible from virtually all directions. What struck me is how funny I felt snapping that picture. I felt funny because I was the only one who seemed to notice how loudly that shirt shouted. . . and the particular message it was shouting. I don't say that in a self-righteous or noble manner. Rather, I say it as a way of noticing just how much our collective cultural standards have changed in a very short period of time. This shirt - like all cultural artifacts - is both a map and a mirror. It maps out life for our kids and mirrors back the realities of who we've chosen to become, what we've chosen to believe, and the standards that we've chosen to live by.

I wonder too, about how we tend to make decisions (both individually and communally) and how we judge the wisdom of those decisions based more on economics and financial growth as opposed to best practices, ethics, and the distribution of ideas. I wonder if history will tell the story of our culture as one that lost its soul in an effort to build its portfolio. And while Urban Outfitters and a host of other retailers sell more than just products, we need to be tuned in to how those ideas matter and the ways that they shape us.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Ask.fm. . . Digital Playground For Teen Trouble. . .

When a state Attorney General sounds a warning, it’s typically in response to a history of trouble that doesn’t look to take a turn in the right direction any time soon. That’s what occasioned the recent big “BEWARE” and “WATCH OUT” that Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler issued regarding the increasingly popular social networking site, Ask.fm. Gansler’s appeal included a request to advertisers, as he urged them to stop spending their marketing budget on Ask.fm banner ads. Gansler wrote, “This website is putting children at risk. A growing number of children under 13 use Ask.fm because it makes no meaningful effort to limit underage access, and these kids are being exposed to malicious anonymous postings, including racial slurs, sexual references, drug use, and personal assaults.”

Are Gansler and others in the growing army of Ask.fm critics over-reacting? Or should parents, youth workers, educators, and others who care about kids echo his warnings and encourage kids to stay away from Ask.fm? If the families of the nine known young suicide victims who took their lives after being anonymously harassed and bullied on Ask.fm had their way, the social networking site would shrivel up and go away.

Ask.fm is one of a number of social networking sites that have gone viral and gained a fast-growing following among teenagers and young adults who are migrating off of Facebook and other sites where their parents are increasingly showing up. Launched in Latvia in June of 2010, Ask.fm is the brainchild of brothers Ilja and Mark Terebin. After gaining popularity in Europe, Ask.fm quickly went global, with several hundred thousand new users accessing the site each and every day. While most users fall into the 13 to 25 year-old age bracket (half of all Ask.fm users are under the age of 18), a large number of young users skirt the 13-year-old age limit, lying about their age when they register.

The site’s novel approach to social networking has created a niche for a type of online communication that’s especially alluring to teenagers. The app is centered around posting questions and answers, which are many times asked and answered anonymously. Users can post questions that run the gamut from the benign to the harmful, with many reflecting nothing more than adolescent curiosity in a fun manner (“What’s your favorite ______?” Or “Do you like _______?” But the site has been the target of criticism for becoming a place where the subject and tone of questions and answers reflect the darker side of the human condition and the demise of cultural standards. Questions like “Have you ever thought about killing yourself?”, “Why are you so ugly?”, and “Why are you such a slut?” spark accusatory and abusive responses including all kinds of name-calling and bullying. Add to this ability to post hurtful words the ability to post explicit and compromising videos and photos, and Ask.fm has become a dangerous and hurt-filled adolescent playground. (For more detailed information on how Ask.fm works, check out the Ask.fm website review at commonsensemedia.org).

Ask.fm’s popularity has been fueled by several factors. First, it is largely parent-free. Consequently, it serves as one of those “private uncontrolled spaces” where teens choose to congregate in the absence of adults. There are no POS (Parents Over Shoulder) watching, criticizing, or controlling your every move. Second, Ask.fm is accountability-free. Even when posters choose to bypass anonymity and reveal their true identity, there is usually nobody in authority there to set boundaries or call you out with the threat of consequences. And third, the site is anonymous. By hiding behind the veil of anonymity, the usually-timid kids are more prone to say and do whatever they want. Anonymity lowers and erases adolescent social inhibitions.

There are several reasons why we should be encouraging or requiring our kids to stay away from or leave the Ask.fm app.

First, while the site has the potential to be a positive place where kids can gather and have relatively innocent fun, it has quickly morphed into a gathering place that is highly toxic in nature. Many teenagers enter Ask.fm knowing that it’s a place to participate in anonymous nastiness and incivility. In fact, they go there with the intention of anonymously pounding others with criticism, harassment, and hate messages. Users receive virtual “bloody-noses” that can leave them reeling as they don’t know what hit them. Stepping onto the Ask.fm “playground” is risky business.

Second, Ask.fm fuels the growing spirit of incivility that exists in today’s youth culture. In fact, it has gotten so bad, that Ask.fm is taking some small steps to make the “report” button more prominent so that users can report those who engage in bullying and harassment. Still, critics accurately protest that these measures will not and cannot be effective.

Third, Ask.fm facilitates and amplifies adolescent drama that used to mostly be confined to the hours and location of the school building. Now, the drama extends into an online world void of adults that is open for business 24/7. As a result, the protections that kept kids safe and once-fostered healthy resilience are absent. Virtual mobs can gang up on and destroy vulnerable “targets” who are real, feeling, flesh and blood peers. Ask.fm is like a virtual “Lord of the Flies” where peers make and enforce the “rules.”

Fourth, Ask.fm has become a place where users can be anonymously abusive and threatening. They can post comments, photos, and videos that are explicitly sexual and profane.

Finally, Ask.fm provides an easy, almost boundary-less (very few controls and privacy-settings) path to destroying young lives. As mentioned before, no fewer than nine adolescent suicides have been linked to the barrage of bullying that was perpetrated on the social networking site. No doubt, these are complex stories with many variables at work. But Ask.fm has played a role.

Sadly, Ask.fm reflects the fact that our kids are living in a world that is void of a moral compass. In addition, it maps out for impressionable young Ask.fm users a manner of living and relating that is highly destructive. What happens on Ask.fm becomes normalized behavior and an example of not only the way the world is, but the way the world should be.


While Ask.fm is not inherently evil or destructive in its structure, it has morphed in a direction that has made it especially conducive to misuse. Consequently, Ask.fm is a place where kids of any age don’t belong. Because Ask.fm has turned into a social network marked by brash incivility, it’s a place to avoid. 

Steer the kids you know and love away from Ask.fm. Instead, teach them how to relate in civil, grace-filled, God-honoring ways in real-life face-to-face relationships. And when they're online, teach them to do the same.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

"Thirteen". . . Ten Years Later. . .


I can’t tell you how many movies I’ve watched over the years in my quest to listen to and better understand the emerging generations. There are a few timeless films that have impacted me so much that I’ve made a habit of watching them at least once every year. It’s like having a “youth culture check-up.” The Breakfast Club still captures the reality of teen angst almost thirty years after its release. The Dead Poet’s Society continues to serve as a sobering reminder of how parental pressure undoes young lives. Little Miss Sunshine’s Duane fuels my compassion for kids struggling with family breakdown and busted dreams. And then there’s the most painful of all these films that I watch each yea. . . Catherine Hardwicke’s Thirteen, the story of a thirteen-year-old's confusing coming-of-age as she searches for significance, purpose, and belonging.

When I recently took my annual look at Thirteen, I realized that while youth culture has changed quite a bit over the course of the last decade, the film still speaks to those of us who have long since grown out of our own adolescent years and experience. Thirteen chronicles the struggles of Tracy Frieland as she enters adolescence and morphs from a cute and perky straight-A student, into a confused and rebellious teenager looking for her place to belong. At the outset of the film, Tracy turns her back on her life-long neighborhood girlfriends in favor of a connection with the charismatic yet painfully broken Evie Zamor, the most popular and sexy girl in the seventh grade. From there, it all spirals down as Tracy experiences and responds to a variety of pressures and situations not uncommon to today’s teens. Because of its accurate portrayal of teen reality, viewing Thirteen is like having full access to a hidden camera focused on the day-to-day comings and goings of young people.

As Tracy and her generation speak to youth workers, what are they saying to us?

“We’re changing, confused, and vulnerable.” As Tracy begins seventh grade, it becomes painfully obvious to her and those around her that she is entering into a period of earth-shattering change. On the first day of school, she gleefully walks the outside corridors of the middle school campus with her innocent, child-like, and life-long neighborhood girlfriends. As they stop to interact with Tracy’s older brother Mason and a group of his friends, they notice the boys’ visual and verbal attention shift to Evie Zamora, who has changed from a girl to a woman over summer vacation. Evie’s voluptuous body and seductive dress grab the attention of all as she walks across campus. At that moment, Tracy and her girl-ish looking friends are forgotten as the boys lustily comment on Evie’s transformation. Suddenly, the girls are faced with the fact that they themselves fall somewhere far short of Evie on the spectrum of change. While little or nothing is said, Tracy’s expression communicates that she doesn’t have to wonder long about how far along she is in the process. She sees herself as the little girl left behind. On the middle school campus where there are now “full-grown women,” those who are insecure little girls are trapped in unhappiness. And so, Tracy’s battle with herself and everything in her world commences as she resolves to push ahead and forcibly move herself into adulthood as quickly as possible.

In a poignant scene symbolizing the confusing transformation from child to adult, she responds to being looked down upon as a child by Evie and her friends. Tracy gets home from school and angrily empties her bedroom of her cherished stuffed animals and little girl toys and decides to grow up. She even goes so far as to angrily throw them – and other things representative of her childhood – into the trash. She then proceeds to “trash” her life-long friends, dropping them so she can pursue a friendship with Evie.

The moments of Tracy’s life shared with us in the remainder of the film serve as poignant reminders of the uncertainty, storms and stress faced by teenagers who not only have to experience the normal developmental changes associated with the adolescent years (physical, social, emotional, intellectual, moral), but they have to do so in a culture where social pressures are on the rise and many of the social supports that should guide young people through these years have collapsed and/or disappeared altogether.

The door of childhood is closing on Tracy’s life. The doorway into adolescence is opening wide, and she’s not sure what she sees or where to go. For Tracy and many of her friends, the teenage years are all about survival and finding their way. Consequently, they are susceptible to any person, institution, or entity that has the intended or unintended power to define and shape who they are. In a word, the emerging generations are “vulnerable.” 

“Our support systems aren’t working and it’s stressing us out.” In Tracy’s case, the foundational institution of the family has been broken by divorce. Dad is conspicuously absent. When he does appear, Tracy’s longings for a connection with her father are shattered once more as their planned weekend visit is cancelled because he has business responsibilities, and their short face-to-face conversation is interrupted by his attachment to his ringing cell phone. Tracey lives with her mom, Mel, a recovering alcoholic struggling to make ends meet for her family. Mel attempts to meet her own relational needs by opening her home and bed to an on-again off-again boyfriend who is a recovering cocaine addict. While Mel’s attempts to provide for and guide her two children are valiant, her efforts are frustrated by the reality that what she is trying to hold together has been terribly broken by past choices and present circumstances. Tracy has no support.

Like so many other teens from broken homes, the vulnerable young Tracy – already dealing with the normal pressures and challenges of adolescence – seeks out support, refuge and identity with a peer. Sadly, Evie’s situation is markedly worse. Her father and mother are totally out of the picture. Abuse is part of her past. Currently, she lives with a guardian whose own life, not surprisingly, is a train wreck. In Evie, Tracy finds a support system that has never had a support system herself. Again, a confused child is led by a confused child in a difficult and confusing adult world.

The reality of living in today’s society has made Tracy and her peers more vulnerable to stress while exposing them to stresses and situations almost unknown to previous generations. Interestingly, the church and its ambassadors are conspicuously absent from Tracy, Evie, and Mel’s stories. The only positive and caring adult presence is a teacher who challenges Tracy on the sudden decline in the quality of her schoolwork.

“We need a place to belong.” Teenagers enter into adolescence feeling insecure and unsure of themselves. They desire to fit in and belong. If they don’t, they see themselves as abnormal. Consequently, pursuing and adopting the image of those who are accepted, desirable, and interesting can become a consuming passion dictating appearance and behavior.

Very quickly, Tracy’s quest for belonging takes her to a new peer group, specifically Evie, the envy of the seventh grade class who appears to be mature beyond her years and seems to have everything together. Without knowing Tracy is in pursuit and hoping for a first encounter, Evie heads to the restroom. Tracy catches up and their “chance” meeting turns out to be everything Tracy hoped for. Instead of rejecting Tracy’s advances, Evie invites Tracy to go shopping later that day. As Evie disappears into the girls’ room, Tracy dances with ecstatic joy. She’s made a connection! In her mind, she’s on her way to belonging. Suddenly, feelings of significance surge through her being. From that point on, Tracy’s relationship with Evie begins and her newfound place of belonging is actually the start of a downward spiral that takes Tracy to the brink of self-destruction. Still, in the adolescent mind, it’s a small price to pay for acceptance.

The price of Tracy’s acceptance and belonging winds up being exceptionally costly. In no time at all, Tracy engages in theft, shoplifting, drug abuse, illicit sexual activity, lying, use of profanity, a radical change in appearance, and a variety of other distressing behaviors. Tracy’s unmet need for belonging is an invitation for outside socializing factors to take the place of a strong home, to move into her life, and then to shape who she already is as well as what she is becoming. Tracy was suffering both the consequences of her choices and the fallout from her lack of belonging.
“We’re hurting and hurting deeply.” From the moment Tracy makes the decision to connect with Evie, her already fragile and confusing young life takes a turn for the worse. Together, they embark on a series of dangerous and risky behaviors. They have become in Dean Borgman’s words, “troubled youth,” -that is, “young people in imminent danger of inflicting serious injury on themselves or others.”

As the movie unfolds, viewers are treated to a host of disturbing and sometimes graphic portrayals of the pain Tracy feels as the result of her decisions. Her cries are not always verbal and direct. At times they are silent. Her obsession over body image leads to eating issues, a problem so widespread in today’s youth culture that it is an epidemic. She engages in risky and immoral sexual behaviors from performing oral sex on a classmate, to engaging in a passionate “practice” kiss with Evie, to willing participation in group sexual activity as she and Evie team up to seduce an older male neighbor in his living room. She experiments with drugs and alcohol. At one point she and Evie – both giddy and high from huffing - willingly exchange face punches in an effort to feel something other than their emotional numbness. The punching is so severe that it leaves them bloodied. Perhaps the most alarming manifestation of Tracy’s growing emotional agony are her attempts at self-therapy through self-mutilation. On three occasions during the film, she slices her arms in an effort to release her emotional burdens. Tracy and her peers are hurting, and hurting deeply.

“Will you be here for us? As Thirteen comes to a close, the film’s final three scenes send a loud and clear message to our adult culture and to youth workers. The first scene is emotionally riveting and telling. Tracy’s mother, desperate to do something to help her daughter, takes a big first step in the right direction. At a moment where Tracy is exhibiting her extreme frustration and confusion in a fit of rage, Mel refuses to walk away. Instead, she grabs her daughter, pulls her in close even though she is putting up a fight, and squeezes her in a way that says, “I am here and I will not let you go.” For a moment, Tracy resists even though her mother is offering something she’s hoped for. Eventually, her resistance stops and she collapses into her mother’s arms while both weep.
Next, the camera focuses on the two as they lay together sleeping in Tracy’s bed. Tracy is backed into her mother’s body. Lost in her mother’s embrace, their hands are entwined and Tracy feels a safety and peace she has not experienced for quite some time. Her mother is there for her.

In the third and final scene, viewers are reminded that while Tracy has experienced far more than any human being– let alone a 13-year-old – should ever have to experience in terms of brokenness, agony, and pain, she is still just a little girl. The camera captures Tracy’s face as she spins on a piece of playground apparatus. And then, the picture of youthful innocence is shattered by reality as the little 13-year-old girl who is playing, let’s out a blood-curdling scream. Just like that, the film ends.

What will we do?

Thirteen unmistakably testifies to the universal longing of fallen humanity – especially the emerging generations - for spiritual wholeness and restoration. And, it continues to issue marching orders to those of doing youth ministry. We must understand kids better than they understand themselves. Our churches must be places where they can belong. We must offer hope and healing to meet their deep hurt. And, we must be present in their lives.